When I jerk off I’m not a fancy restaurant about it, I’m more like McDonalds Fast, easy, and you don’t have to get out of the car

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Apparently dogs can die if they eat a lot of chocolate. I wish I had a delicious way to kill myself.

– Michelle, we must break up… – Oh, I’ll kill myself! – That’s a nice bonus. Thank you!

Facebook is telling me to “reconnect” with my brother…hmmm, I see him everyday

All I have is blood on my hands now. Papercut

Knock knock… A: Knock, knock! B: Who’s there? A: The Interrupting Cow. B: The Interrupt– A: MOOOOOOOO!!

You have a man, woman and douchebag who walk into a bar and order a triple shot… …and Caitlyn Jenner takes it to the face !

What do you call a small dog that can store food? Pupperware

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car who’s driving? A: The police.