Now that I’m playing Pokemon Go I don’t need a girlfriend anymore… The servers go down on me all the time.

Not to nitpick, Kay Jewelers, but “every kiss” TECHNICALLY begins with an African diamond miner having his hand cut-off

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

What did one suicide bomber say to the next? Nothing, he just waved. #punchlinesthatdontwork

FIANCE: where should we go on our honeymoon ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

Soviet Russia In Soviet Russia, Turkey shoots you!

when i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie

Knock knock Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes your cuzin, let me in.

*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest* HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!

If I went back in time I’d tell myself… “Don’t wait until 29 to become a stripper. You get to be naked, drunk and get paid for it!”