I’ve started 2016 with a goal of losing 20 pounds… Seems like I’ve lost more, my ATM is empty

Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

What did the priest get at Toys R Us? An erection.

Why wasn’t Hitler invited to the BBQ? He always burns the franks.

What’s the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato? The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.

Me: *gets on scale* 5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

They opened a Tempura Shelter in my town It’s for lightly battered women

What fetish does winners hate the most? The feet

Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane? The steaks couldn’t have been higher.

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Cartoon ! Cartoon who ? Cartoon up just fine she purrs like a cat !