We all know you love your boyfriend, but we’d all appreciate it if you’d SHUT THE FUCK UP

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut? ME: *takes three* I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength? ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

How do you sell a deaf guy a frog? DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG? rip.

I won’t forget what my Grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Grandson… how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I just got a tattoo of Ben Franklin on my dick Because my girlfriend knows how to blow a hundred bucks. (for our non-American friends, Ben Franklin’s face is on the US $100 bill)

My boss said to “treat customers like you treat your mother”, so I haven’t answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

I like my beer, like I like my violence Domestic

Three men walk into a bar… One said ouch.

Him: Will you marry me? Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?