Why did everyone invite mushroom to the party? Because he’s a fungi.

Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.

What do you get when you cross and owl and a bungie cord? . . . . . . . . . . …My ass

What do you get if you walk under a cow? A pat on the head.

I like my women the way I like my wine… 15 years old and locked in my cellar on a rack.

What’s the difference between a golfball and a woman’s ‘G’ spot? A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball… Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball…

What do you call a rogue toaster? A rebel appliance.

Great move NASA, let’s blast Will.I.Am’s music into space. That will definitely let every alien nation know we are intelligent. Throw in some Beiber while your at it.

Stupid Autocorrect you’re always posting some thong you didn’t Nintendo

Who is an archaeologist? One whose career is in ruins.