My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

Why can’t you have Christmas dinner in the EU? Because there is no Turkey

I just found out why the literacy rate in Greece is among the lowest …it’s because everything they learn in school is Greek to them.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

The “Selfie” sorority girls Gave there tickets to the less fortunate…I’m my book that makes them charitable women and not very selfie at all

My penis isn’t small. It’s “artisanal.”

So there I was at my favorite seafood restaurant having dinner, and I told David, my favorite waiter, that TONIGHT I wanted my fish exactly how I like my wife… …”Battered it is, sir.”

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

I just don’t understand kids. My kid says he wants to play heavy metal. So why’s he so mad at me? I bought him one of the best tubas money can buy!

Just ate a bunch of vegetables instead of cheese. One of my children wasn’t even observing me. This is the first sign of insanity, right?