Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

My cat doesn’t listen to a word I say. That’s why the cell phone she made me buy her only has a text message plan.

Looks like the UK didn’t read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU… You Brexit, you bought it.

You’re doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything? -Me as a Drivers Ed teacher

Reception Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.

Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young. Me: I’m old at heart.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away? A: A polygon!