I feel bad for people who work at German supermarkets. They have to deal with Deutsch bags all day.

My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.

I bought a tiny chili pepper plant today. I wanted to spice up my apartment.

How can you tell if someone got their dog from a shelter? Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.

The 3 words that best describe me are… I’m really bad at counting.

Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took

Who are you and how did you get in here? I’m a locksmith and I’m a locksmith.

What’s the advantage to fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free

What do you call a British person playing a saxophone? An Anglo Saxin’

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.