How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Obviously more than 8, because my basement is still dark.

How did Roman magistrates keep fit? Pontius Pilates.

Her: Make me a burrito, please. Me: ?? *wraps her in blanket *pours hot sauce inside

There are 10 types of people in the world… those who understand binary, and those who don’t

Got six numbers at the bar last night One more and it would have been a full phone number!

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

Why can’t Santa play in the NBA? He has a no-trade Claus

Friends are a lot like trees… They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

My social outings consist of the “maybe attending” events I never attend on Facebook.