30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

I don’t believe in ghosts. They’re always lying to me.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

I told my redneck uncle how I learned about the five pillars of Islam. He said Muslims must all be a bunch of pansies. Just one pillar has always been enough for him, and he sleeps just fine!

One of my favorite things about raps music is the fun ethnic code words they use for everyday things like money & women. I’m learning a lot!

Knock Knock Who’s there? Gilbert Melendez Gilbert Melendez who? Gilbert may lend deez nuts

Q: What do termites eat for breakfast? A: Oakmeal.

as you wonder “where the weed at?” a worm hole opens up in front of you and through the portal an alien arm reaches out to pass you a blunt

Comedian In A Fight!! What does a comedian use in a fight? A Punch Line

This subreddit used to be funny until chickens started screwing light bulbs.