A grasshopper walks into a bar … The bartender says “Hey we have a drink named after you” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

Because telescopes work using mirrors… We’ll never know if there are any space vampires.

When Chinese audiences see movies based on toys… …they probably think “Hey look! It’s those toys we made!”

I dated a woman once. Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

What do you get when you stick your dick in yogurt without asking first? Rape culture.

My ex-girlfriend had a parakeet That fucking thing would never shut up. The bird was pretty cool though.

My better half said period jokes aren’t clever So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.

Two tampons are walking down the street. One is a name brand, and the other is generic. Which one talks to you first? Neither. They’re stuck up bitches.

I get chills down my spine every time I hear the song Stayin’ Alive… I don’t know, there’s something about the Bee Gees that just gives me the heebie jeebies

What do you call an army of gorilla soldiers? Boko Harambe.