My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia. Well he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

It’s not a nap if you never got out of bed.

[Gaming] Why did the console player cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side

If I ever become a filthy millionaire, I’m gonna string 50 smartwatches together and create a batman belt of gadgets out of them I know it’s a waist of time, but it’ll be worth it.

Joke What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

You don’t need a parachute to skydive… You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Q: Why couldn’t the animals on Noah’s Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!

What did the snake say when another asked him the time ? Don’t asp me !

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? DUUUUNNNGGGGGG