The iPhone 5 will be able to print bacon

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.” The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

I bet if Jesus were here right now, he’d be like “Toilets are amazing.”

I hate the word “chicks”. Can we politely call them LADIES. Women, please.. Ladies nuts on your chin ;)))))))

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”] MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something. ME: what’s for dinner tonight BRAIN: what

Why is Russia a very fast country ? Because the people are always Russian !

Donald Trump sure likes making fun of boxing. What with all the lightweight insults

Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don’t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case…

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!” “Sweet! We should hang out!” – Ear buds