Me: doctor doctor I cant stop fucking farting… Doctor: *runs out the room comes back with a ten foot pole*Me: OMG!!!!!!! what are you gonna do with that??? Doctor: OPEN UP A FEW FUCKING WINDOWS

The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? My boner, during my girlfriends period.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’

How did Popeye buy long sleeve shirts?

Life stops when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing.

Your momma is so fat… But I still fucked her.

What’s the difference between a girl scout and a Jew? Girl scouts come home from camp

Jesus loves you may be a wonderful thing to hear in church But it’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Do you guys know the story of Flip Flap the Giraffe? It’s a giraffe, walking in the savannah. All of a sudden, an helicopter comes by and….. flip flap the giraffe!