There is a time and place for decaf coffee. (Never and in the trash)

What is a porn star’s favorite allergy medicine? (NSFW?) Bend’n’dryl

Greek yogurt Its just not as rich as it was before

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

Shout out to octopi. The spiders of the sea since 1981.

I made this joke up. Man 1: Hey, I haven’t seen you in a few days. What’s up? Man 2: Oh, I went pearl diving in Ming Chao. Man 1: Oh? Where’s Ming Chao? Man 2: She’s getting dressed.

What kind of person do people hate moving in next to them that starts with an ‘N’ and ends with an ‘r’? [NSFW] A ‘neighbor,’ you racist fuck!

Q. What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians? A. Militia Etheridge

The other day I held the door open for a clown I thought it was a nice jester.

Having a talk about drugs with my 11 yr old, and she said “If I’m going to do anything, it will be hot boys.” I think I just had a stroke.