What did Hitler get for Christmas? An easy-bake oven.

What did the grapes say to their parents after they put them into a nursing home? Thanks for raisin us

They tried to make me go to rehab… They tried to make me go to rehab, and I said… ‘I don’t have insurance’. And that was the end of that.

When you drop the beet… …everybody’s going to turnip

Circles. I don’t see the point in them.

*points at self* the man.. *poimts at foot* the leg-end

Sometimes I like to hide my wife’s inhaler. So the neighbours think I’m a stallion when they hear her panting ” Fucking give it to me!”

Hate it when pharmacy girls ask if I’ve “Used this product before?” Darling I’ve applied, swallowed & inserted every item ever sold here.

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted while writing a paper; Id be making money in a weird ass way, man. ~Mitch

A white guy and a black guy walk into a bar… The bartender says, “your kind isn’t welcome here.” They kick the nigger out, and everyone laughs, and has a drink of beer.