Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Why did the ocean take a bath? It had a sandy bottom.

Road: I have a boyfriend.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

Have you heard about the gay bees with allergies? They come out in hives.

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Food has replaced sex in my life. I can’t even get into my own pants.

Why did the TV execs decide not to create a new reality show about philosophers? Because it would only be for a Neitzsche audience

A Jewish kid asks his father for sixty dollars. The father replies “FIFTY DOLLARS??? What the heck to do you need forty dollars for??”