My son asked me what it is like to be married.. So I deleted all the music on his ipod except for 1 song.

[15 years ago] Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana [Now] M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

What did the hungry dyslexic order at the movie theater? Cop porn * This is probably already a joke but I’m experiencing a huge coffee crash so it was hilarious to me.

What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.

He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He’s a serial killer named Terrence Fishman & he plans to kill you Monday

“That’s a sexy little outfit you’re wearing,” I said. “I bet you want my cock in you.” “Dave,” my wife said, “do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?”

Technically When is a computer like a blonde? When it goes down on you as soon as you turn it on.

Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college

A recent archeological dig was finished at historic Stratford-upon-Avon They found many typewriters and many, many, more monkey skeletons

How much force does it take for the Carolina Panthers to lose a Playoff game. One Newton