I tried committing suicide once… never doing that again, I almost killed myself.

“Jill look out the window…” “…there’s a horse in our yard.” “No Jack, it’s not a horse, it’s a cow!” “I said look out the window, not in the mirror!”

Santa Hates Blonds Why did the blond slap Santa? He kept saying “Ho Ho Ho” *dum roll – rim slap*

Why did the bar owner by a diamond mine get arrested? He attributed to the delinquency of a miner.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand… and says, “Make me one with everything.”

“The limo is broken”… Said the limo driver who looked like a person but darker colored

Why did the storm trooper get an iPhone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece ofcelery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn’t eating right.

Of course I like you, which is why I have to act like I don’t like you so you’ll know how much I like you.

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together. “Help!” cried the cellist “I can’t swim!” “Don’t worry” said the violist “just fake it.”