People who say “the waiting is the hardest part”… …have never used Viagra

Why don’t you want a turkey at your thanksgiving dinner? Because it’ll gobble up everything.

I tried explaining to my girlfriend how hard it is to pee with a boner… Now she stands in the bathroom naked just to make it harder

Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They go through 50 stories in just a few seconds.

Three types of people… There are three types of people in this world. Those who are odd, and those who literally can’t even.

[getting fired from NASA] Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

8y:thank you for the present grandma ….: no need.. 8y: that’s what I thought too but mum said I have to

[team tryouts] Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park. Jimmy: Thanks Coach! Coach: This is tennis.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

I don’t know what to I can’t see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape I don’t even have a home anymore. Definitely time for a new keyboard.