Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!

It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face. #watersportsgate #goldenshower

What do you call a Roman transvestite? Ben-Her.

First date: [ok, don’t let her know you’re a t-rex] Her: I absolutely love it when guys open the car door for me Me: Shit.

My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone’s probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.

Why didn’t Spider-Man’s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?

Half of Americans must be thinking Gaza Strip is the name of some Strip Club which Israel wants

Why was the dolphin depressed? He felt he had no porpoise in life

Can we just hold the power button down on America and see if that fixes anything?