Getting ready to ask my black friends what finna ax means.

99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs in the code. Take one down, patch it around 117 little bugs in the code.

Me: I said no cookies! 4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia! Me: How’d you get amnesia? 4yo:.. Me:.. 4yo: I don’t remember. Me: Well played..

Saw a man selling umbrellas in the rain today. He ironically was umbrella-less. When I asked him why, he replied: “Man, I don’t stay dry off my own supply.”

Why do Asian woman have small breasts? Because her parents accept nothing less than an A.

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day* Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

What do you call a nun in a wheel chair? Virgin mobile

My 7yo has a friend over and I’m pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.

I don’t do cocaine I just like the smell

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic Me: Panic Him: Fun Me: Run Him: love Me: shove Him: this isn’t going well. Me: hell