Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation? Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

What do you call A Tale of Two Mosquitoes? A bite-time story.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I’ve never had a lentil all over my chest.

My sense of humor is so sophisticated… …it’s not even funny.

My 5 y/o’s best Knock Knock joke yet Knock knock Who’s there? Monkey balls Monkey balls who? Don’t you mean monkey *bars*?

*shows up to date with broken nose* “What happened?” Hurt myself playing football “How?” Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

How do dogs do business? Pro-bono

Cw: you have a call holding M: put it in my voicemail Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent M: hiiii this is Jennifer

People keep telling me to start thinking for myself… I’m not sure what they want me to think about.