When I think of a good tweet in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.

A guy broke into my apartment last week.. He didn’t take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.. Sick bastard..

One for the school kids this morning. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Elephino.

Why do feminists hate Apple? Because they’re not PC.

RT if you think it’s sad when people use social media in an obvious attempt to feel something, anything. RT if you disagree.

What do you call a web developer who enjoys finding bugs in the system? A spider

How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW Dress her up as an altar boy.

What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.

What happens when a university math professor and a high school math teacher get it on? Calculust

A blind man walks into a bar… Table and a chair.