Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

I don’t take my shirts to the dry cleaners. If I want to look sharp, I pay the iron price.

A banker broke up with his girlfriend… He lost interest.

What is the name of the event in which Hillary supporters move out of the US? A start.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER? D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

Statistically, 1 in 5 of The Jackson’s are Randy.

I Heard that the Afterlife in Greek Mythology was Pretty Boring. I wonder why Hades didn’t liven things up a bit.

I accidentally swallowed a turntable needle. Good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened

You ever click a link thinking you’re going to get a free iPad, but all you get is a million emails? No? Yeah, me either.

Business Idea: Audio books for deaf people