Is it just me or does the name Elon Musk sound like a cologne brand my grandpa would wear?

Two women are sitting quietly…

So this morning my fiance rolls over and says ,”honey I think I have a fever this morning.” To which I reply, “pics or didn’t happen.”

Just got a great deal on some bottled water. The store was having a liquidation sale.

If you have to ask if something is racist, it’s probably racist. If you insist something you’ve said is not racist, it’s probably racist.

So I released a new cook book in the oriental side of town. It’s called *101 ways to wok your dog*

I’m going to by a bunch of those stick figure decals and randomly ad family members to the windows of unattended vehicles.

When someone is absolutely positively sure they’re right about something is when I’m absolutely positve they’re completely full of shit.

What’s the difference between you and a rooster? A rooster says “cock-a-doodle-do” You say: “any cock will do!”

Guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only Saran Wrap… Guy: doctor, I’ve been hearing voices. Can you help? Doctor: I’ll try to diagnose but I can clearly see your nuts