How do you make soup from a computer? It’s easy; just throw in a couple of Boolean cubes.

Chuck Norris strikes again Chuck Norris has counted the number of atoms in the universe… **thrice**

How does a man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it

I hate having to go to the Starbucks 2 blocks away cuz of the horrible dates with all the baristas at the Starbucks 1 block away.

My wife’s cooking is so bad…. We pray to God after the meal

So I met a girl named Tennessee I said to her, “You’re a ten, I see!” And that’s how I blew it with the hottest girl in the world.

A guy walks into a bar the punchline doesn’t matter because the real joke is always in the comments.

My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.

Why don’t feminists carry handguns? Because of the triggers

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!