My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

What does a feminist doorbell say? Stop-oppressing-me

If you are following Facebook on Twitter, you have reached a new level of retarded.

Just bought a sweet British accent off of Daniel Craig’s List.

I haven’t gained weight. I’m just retaining cookies.

What do you call a TV award an Italian mobster cheated to win? Rigatoni

N F L THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE IS CONSIDERING EXPANDING NEXT YEAR BY ADDING A PRISON TEAM

Did you hear about the Georgia accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?

If George Raft’s wife gave birth to twin Gorillas would they be the Apes of Raft?