She just didn’t get that i was into fish. Geez

*takes a picture of food for Instagram* Food: delete it

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

I’ll tell you what I know about midgets… Very little

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

Coffee is the silent victim in our house… It gets mugged every day.

People who say they don’t have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.

How do you deal with ignorant people? I really don’t know.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. Man, I just can’t put this thing down.

Google changed to Alphabet Mostly alpha, not making it to bet-