Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.

Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.

What goes ooooooo? A cow with no lips. 😉 😉 😉

So I heard that the hackers “Anonymous” are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda… Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

What do Jedi sheep sound like? Dagobah.

What do you give a sick bird? A tweetment

My cat refuses to approach strangers. He’s such a pussy.

What do a Harvard lawyer and a Yale lawyer have in common? They both got accepted to Yale.

My best friend is so white she pays for her kid’s school lunches.

God doesn’t play dice well, that’s what he tells Mrs God.