I always get teary when I become intimate with a girl, Any idea how to deal with pepper spray?

I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

My wife was fixing the caulk around our tub… Me: You should use some caulk softener to make that easier. Wife: Is that like a picture of your mom or something? (actual conversation)

When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

Did you hear about that guy that broke his left arm and left leg? I heard he’s all right now.

“Hey, Cyclops.” “Hey, Cyclops, are you still dating Jean?” “No, Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…” *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*

I was going to commit seppuku the other day. But I didn’t have the guts to go through with it.

What frequency do police radios operate on? 100 niggahurts

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.