Hey girl with 20,000 tweets and 14 followers, I’m guessing you should probably shut the fuck up.

Did you hear about the guy that got shot in the back of the head in a movie theater? He was sitting in front of pee wee herman.

A plane crashes and everyone dies.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy* 14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes* 18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol* 43yo Me: *sneaks candy* Being an adult is stupid.

What did the nihilist say to the physicist? Nevermind, it doesn’t really matter.

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

I’ve spotted six Pokemon today but I don’t have the Pokemon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

“We met in church.” Lies we tell kids.

Of course I touch myself when I think about you It’s called a face palm

I went by the house I grew up in and went to the door and asked if I could take a look around. They said “no” and slammed the door in my face Parents can be real jerks