You know how you can tell if an Irishman has had too much to drink He walks into a bar

My neighbor asked me to keep an eye on his house while he’s out of town. I’ve already texted him “Your house isn’t on fire” 42 times.

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

A shirt so loud, you have to wear ear plugs when you put it on.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.” — a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said “Yes!”. I said “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”

My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday I don’t think they understood when I said ” I wanna watch”

I got an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’ I thought ‘thats just a spam’

Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.