I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me…. She didn’t approve of my improper use of the colon.

A foot fetish porn called “I think we got off on the wrong foot”

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine. Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

People of the world There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can’t.

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep me: k her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

So I was wondering whether any of my friends could possibly teach me quidditch… …and then I thought, “wait a minute, I know one. Oliver would”.

what is the SEXIEST kind of tree??????? A COUNTRY!!!!

Earth, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter were going to setup a party But they failed because nobody knew how to planet

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

What’s a Republican Congressman’s favorite movie? Kill Bill