Q: What’s the strongest bird? A: A crane.

How often do lesbian gypsies get their hands read? Every 28 days or so.

What’s the difference between Hitler and Keemstar? Hitler knew when to kill himself.

How do you get the drummer off your front porch? Pay for the pizza.

british people say “maths” instead of math because they are big nerds who cannot be satisfied by a single math

I don’t always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding

Three Nazis walk into a BAR They all get shot.

Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.

Michelle Obama had an awesome speech tonight… I wonder how long we’ll have to wait for Malinia Trump to steal it. The part about her black daughters will be awkward.

So glad the new phone book arrived, because I hate texting the wrong number from the rotary phone in my Ford Model T.