Where do the Mexican truckers hang out? The guay station.

A parliament of owls, a murder of crows, a thatsso of ravens

Keep scrolling… I got nothing!!

My cousin’s shoe store burned down yesterday There were so many lost soles.

My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table. That’s all the DNA test I need.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

What do you call a gay farmer? A Jolly Rancher

I was going to write a novel but I may just print out all my tweets and dedicate it to my parents not loving me enough.

People who marry for money over love usually end up cheating for love over money!

There once was a man named Dave… who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit, and missing one tit, but think of the money he’d save.