I tried to make a robot that ate watches… but it was too time-consuming.

Cute things to call your girlfriend/boyfriend 1. Sugar 2. Honey 3. Flour 4. Egg 5. 1/2 lb butter 6. Stir 7. Pour into pan 8. Preheat to 350

What do you call a Chinese Millionaire? Cha Ching

I’m giving up negativity for lent. We’ll see how long that lasts. Edit: aware it should be pessimism. This is a serious quote from a friend who didn’t realise what she’d said.

They say that nothing can be erased from the Internet… Except for Hillary’s emails.

I’m starting a firing squad business Our motto is “we aim to please”.

Why do 9 out of 10 bear moms prefer minivans over sedans? All the extra cubholders.

Shot my first turkey today. Scared everyone in the frozen meat department.

Why should you avoid sexual encounters with The Fonz? Because he has Ayyyds.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung.