This hating of people that breastfeed in public should really stop… I can raise my cat any way I want to.

What did the Ents yell as they attacked Isengard? Ambush.

What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina? Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.

What did the dick say to the condom Go away, you make sex less pleasurable and have a higher than acceptable risk of breaking.

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

For all the effort I put into faking it, I should really just start writing down the confirmation number at the end of a phone call.

When i apply to the job… Interviewer: So why do you want this job? Me: Well, I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death.

Do you know why eggs are the only thing to laugh at 9/11? Because it’s an inside yolk

Hey! I got a new job working in quality control at a knickers factory! I’ll be pulling down about 800 a week.

I’m getting the band back together…. We’re called New Direction.