A woman lost her wedding ring in Paris last night. I’m not talking about the one who deserved it.

Straight out of Gotham… This building, in the city I live in (in Tianjin, China) looks like it was taken straight out of Gotham City. http://imgur.com/j0RM7h3

Virgins in Paradise? Suck my balls, Al Qaeda; I got a jacuzzi full of sluts right here in Southern California.

What did the fish say to the concrete wall? Dam!

Money can’t buy happiness… Poverty can’t buy *Anything*

Waiter: how do you want your burger? Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare

I have Electile Dysfunction Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.

I don’t know if my ceiling is the best ceiling, but it’s definitely up there.

Why are elephants gray? So you don’t get them confused with blueberries.

What’s the opposite of Stephen Hawking? Stephen Talking.