What did the boys do ToGetHer? Roam And Tick things..

Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

My doctor told me I have the vitals of someone half my age. I have no idea how he found out, but now I’ll have to kill him too.

How many ADHD sufferers does it take to… To get to the other si– Knock knock.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick She’s still not talking to me.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.

I finally figured out why Donald Trump married Melania… …she came from ***YUUUUUUUUUUUUG***oslavia. ~~(thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week)~~

Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.