7: I didn’t do my homework Me: why not? 7: they told us to write about the new president Me: so? 7: you told me not to cuss

Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I’m her from the future.

What do you give a canine seeking meaningless validation on the internet? Pupvotes

If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.

What did the hot dog vendor say at the World Trade Center? “Who ordered the two jumbos?!”

99 problems and pizza solves every single 1

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator!

I heard that comedians never tell jokes about the Jonestown massacre. The punchline is too long.

Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton have in common? They blew a seal.