“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water? Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

What did the one llama say to the other before they went on vacation? ALPACA BAG

I just found out that a gay friend of mine is OCD He was the last person I expected to get upset about something not being straight.

I bet Dell Curry is not mad… he’s just disappointed. Happy Fathers Day!

Where does Ned Flanders pick up women? On OkilyDokilyCupid

I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.

Note for Santa Dear Santa, Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don’t mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two but it’s hard to get them in!

I would make a sexist joke But that would be wrong, and being wrong is for women.