What kind of flooring does a Mexican fit? Underlay! Underlay!

Did you hear the bus drivers story? Me neither i was on the back of the bus…

Wanna hear my life story? tl;dr…

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*

Did you hear about the statistician that drowned? Apparently he tried crossing a river with an average depth of 4 feet.

[Spanish w/ translation] Cual es es la risa mas picante? Ahi Ahi Ahi Translation: What is the spiciest laugh? Pepper pepper pepper

The court was very accommodating handing Jared a fifteen year sentence. He’ll even be able to take his girlfriend out for her 21st birthday.

1985: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don’t call me

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.