How do you organize a party in outer space? You planet.

Never date a baker They’re too kneady

What do you call a Mexican at the bottom of the ocean? Pollution. What do you call every Mexican at the bottom of the ocean? Solution.

My new nickname at work should be “Laxative” cause I make sh*t happen.

Who is the biggest slut in the whole wide world? Mrs. pacman. For 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died.

Two black men and two white men walk into a police station The two white men walk out. Source: new girl

What’s the difference between Jews and Boyscouts? Boyscouts come back from camp.

My wife left me for a fisherman. Poor guy’s still reeling.

At the school for the hearing impaired… …no one can hear you scream!

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.