What do you call a woman with six kids? Lucy

John buys binoculars and shows it to Bob. “Bob, this is the coolest thing ever. Last night I saw you doing you wife” You can return it, it’s broken. Last night I was out of town

What the difference between jews and harry potter Harry got out of the chamber alive

*walks up to bouncer* “sorry pal, this is a private country club” *peeks inside* [everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Attention Netflix and Chill has been replaced The new thing is Cookies and Dick…that is all

The doctor recommended cutting back on alcohol for a better quality of life. Then he saw my wife who had come to pick me up! He said, “You can consume all the drinks you want, it’s healthy.”

Why did the man with acute bronchitis go on holiday? Because he had a wee cough

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery Now I don’t know what he looks like.

What’s a mass in your body that is really helpful? A cyst!