Mr. Rogers misled kids by making them believe that running into people you know is good.

Who designed Noah’s ark? An ark-itect !

Neighbour: Haven’t I seen you on TV? Actor: Well I do appear on and off you know. How do you like me? Neighbour: Off.

How did the octopus lovers walk down the road? Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.

What’s the difference between a calendar and me? The calendar has dates.

A hole has appeared in the ladies’ changing rooms at the downtown sports club. Police are looking into it.

[boss’s office] BOSS: Do you like my fire place? ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace” BOSS: You’re fired ME: Oh, I get it now

Guns don’t kill people. Wars and famine and disease and random accidents kill people. Also, sometimes guns. Have a good day!

People are so unreliable Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.

the cool part about hitting your 30s is just about anything u do for fun eventually leads to a headache, diarrhea, anxiety, or just sweating