“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision” Which was? “We ate Bill” OMG. How long were you in there? “4 minutes”

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Old meaning of sorry. “I won’t do it again.” New meaning of sorry. “Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful.”

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

[at restaurant] “check, please!” [waiter leans over] sir, again, there are no monsters under the table “ok….goodnight” wait what

First Michael Jackson, and now Neil Armstrong…. The world is running out of moonwalkers

Chinese woman pray before releasing fishes in Paris river la Seine when https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G77aVXoxTk

What concert can you get in with just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

On soy milk cartons, the missing kids are always named “Skylar” and were last seen getting into a Prius