My ass is a woman tonight It won’t shut the fuck up.

my wife usually fills up our car with gas *she farts a lot*

Most days I feel like three kids stacked up on each other’s shoulders, covered by a huge coat, trying to pass as one of all these grown-ups.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile yesterday. I said wow, that’s a big word for a 9 year old

This year’s the year of the rooster, so I ate chicken. Next year’s the year of the dog.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed] in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

What is 2Chainz’s favorite TV channel? TruTV

Nostalgia Sure isn’t what it used to be.

What makes a Mexican saddest about the rise of ebooks? The closing of the Borders.