Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.

(Q)……. What do fat women & mopeds have in common? (A)…….. They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What did the mexican do when he lost his car in the parking lot? He pressed hispanic button

Where did the kid with adhd go? Aushwitz

*Ghost snatches phone from me* “Who you gonna call now?”

What’s the difference between a truckload of dead woodchucks and a truckload of bowling balls? You can’t unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork!

What do you call a vegetable that always stays outside? An un-in.

Why can’t Ray Charles read? Because he’s blind you racist!

If I could make puppies and kittens magically appear, people would call me “The Wizard of Awwws”.