Microwaved Food is a lot like Schroedinger’s Cat It could be really hot or stone cold.

What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies? A well educated Barista

*throws coin in fountain* stranger: can you not do that? Me: just want my wish to come true S: this is a drinking fountain m: wish came true

What do you call a group of retards in a sauna? Steamed vegetables.

Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work. I was married for 6 years.

What’s the worst part of giving a magician a ride home? When you get there, you turn into the driveway. Ba-dum-bum! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

Nice guys don’t finish last, fat guys do.

What do you call a snake who works for the governement ? A civil serpent !

A guy doesn’t go into a bar… Unaware, the bartender continues serving drinks to other people.

A cheesemaker is hard-strapped for cash… He decided to get a Provolone.